Welcome to Wonderland
APRIL 30, 2013
I cried. A lot. I heard the doctor tell me that I needed to go to the hospital as an inpatient and I cried. A lot. Then we went to the closest hospital and I was evaluated for five hours. The psychiatrist gave me this weird test and then they checked my vitals. They examined my scars. They saw that the ones on my wrist were fading, but I didn't show them the ones on my stomach or legs. I panicked and I didn't want to show them. I just didn't want to be an inpatient.
MAY 1, 2013
After five hours, of a tons of these medical exams they allowed me to be released early. My first day won't officially be until the second. I have been enrolled in their POP. (Partial hospitalization Outpatient Program) basically I'm there all day, then I'll get out around three, unless I have an extra session with my psych or therapist. I cried a lot today. I don't know why. I just couldn't help myself.
MAY 2, 2013
Today was the first day. It was scary at first and my anxiety was up the wall. I cried in the morning for a bit and then I was given something to calm me down. When, they gave me the shot I just got extremely physicaly tired, but I was screaming inside. I was panicking, but after a while it really did help. Then we were taken to a group therapy session and they asked me about my dreams and I refused to talk about anything, I was frightened that no one would understand what I was going through. It took me a couple of hours to talk, but once I did I couldn't stop. I told them about my nightmares and my lack of sleep and so many of them told me they had the exact same nightmares. (Each one having a different story, of course) One girl whose name is Lindsey kept repeating to me, "I have been trying so hard to find the words to explain my nightmares for the past two months and you just did it perfectly." I think after she told me that I was able to stop crying for a bit and recollect myself and my thoughts. As bad as this sounds I was extremely happy. I was happy to know that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't the only one having these dreams. Then one of the girls brought up being abused and that being her situation and I just felt so comfortable I told the whole group about my grandfather. I was so relieved, again. I told them about how I hadn't told anyone ever except for Trevor. I explained how my mom didn't know and I wasn't going to tell her. Then Lindsey looked me straight in the eye and told me she was as well. She told me it wasn't as long as mine but it was by a family member and she hadn't told her mom and didn't want to. Then we talked together about how this affected us and how it would affect our parents if we told them and how we weren't going to, at least not anytime soon. I felt like all of my tears were more of relief. Through out the whole day I talked to the girls about how a couple of them had the same problem. I talked to Lindsey a ton because it turned out we had a toon in common. We both were theater kids (She's going to be in a scripted reality tv show, which they begin filming the day of her discharge) and how she also debates and watches Who and she's a Treekkkkie and Potter fan. We talked about how even our family situations are the same and how we've just felt like we've become burdens on our families and friends. When I was on my way out, Lindsey pointed at me and said, "I am so glad you decided to help yourself, because we both have so much shit in common and we're going to fucking beat it," And I think she's right.
MAY 3, 2013
I'm in love with this place. I don't want to ever leave.