I keep isolating myself. I look around and I think of all the things I should do. How I should be closer and more open to my friends. I feel like I should maybe try harder to be a good friend, but I don't want to. Whenever you open up you put yourself at risk. I think the reason why I don't have trouble telling people about my family being so fucked up and the past friends that I've had is because I find it easier for everyone to know what I want them to know about me other than trust few and then be betrayed again.
But I do have moments where I want to be the girl that has all of these friends she can trust her self with. I trust everyone around me too easily. I put myself at risk of being hurt by others, because the thing that scares me the most is myself. My thoughts, expectations, dreams and desires. Those are the scariest things in my life. Everything that makes me, me. The thoughts of disappointment just plays a main factor in my depression. It's the reason why I am the way I am. I feel as if I can't trust myself to be that girl with all of those friends because I will just disappoint them as I have disappointed my self.

Today would have made six months of dating.
One year of liking you.


Most importantly today is nine months of being in love

So basically I'm now in my third round of debating Rawl's difference princible and Nozick's Entitlement Theory. KILL ME NOW. I'm debating against Lexie. She's so cute and I'm basically throwing this round because she loves to debate and actually cares about this and I don't. I finally got to debate AFF tho. Twice now so I have an amazing case for Aff. I just want to sleep though. I have to come back tomorrow jaimeadkdjirg cray-craaayy. I met this really cute guy. And he's smart. And he is witty. And he's sarcastic. Ugh, please don't be gay. 
Lexie said he was asking about me. YAYAY. And that girl I debated against my first round? She's so smart and like wow. It's crazy.

I just realized I have Lexies first contention and nothing else. ooopss.. k brb

lol blogging during a debate round.

I HATE LD.

This girl is so good. It's crazy. I think she thinks I'm actually trying which sucks. She's really pretty too. I'm so done with comparing Rawls' difference principle and Nozwick's Entitlement theory. I don't even like my Neg case. AND GUESS WHAT I'M DEBATING:

NEG.








so done with my debate teacher. k? k. 

I don't know where my mind is leading to.
I don't acknowledge what's going on around me.
I don't realize that I'm hurting those whom I love most.
I don't do anything right.

I should think.
I should eat.
I should sleep.

I need to be more considerate of others.
I need to be less selfish.
I need to be nice.
I need to study.

I am lazy.
I am stupid.
I am rude.

I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.
I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.
I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.
I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.
I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.
I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to stop.



I need to stop caring.

This Spring Break was a lot more exciting than last years.. God, my life is embarrassing. You see instead of spending my break under intensive care I was just making sure that my internal organs weren't exploding. That would have been just too dreadful to go with. I spent five days with my dad. That's the longest I've seen him sober. Ever. It was nice and I realize that me wanting to leave was to really just reconnect with him. I know I should hate him after everything he's put me through but I can't. I can't look at him anymore and tell him that I hate him. I think I did at one point believe myself, and I may have actually hated him so, but that's over with now. I just want my dad back and I know that I'm just going to get hurt in the end but I can't help myself. 
I've never felt so confused. I don't know how I should be feeling or what I should be thinking. I don't know how I should be reacting to those around me. I'm trying so hard to please everyone. I'm trying so hard to fix everything, that I've stopped reacting to things because, well, I've forgotten how I would react to things...


This was short and random. Totally unplanned and thrown all over the place. I apologize to those who read this. (Basically only you, Jay) But I also am not so sorry for my writing, because well after all... it is my blog.