I'm not anorexic. I just don't eat a lot anymore. But yes, I used to be anorexic. And I think I'm relapsing back into it not eating. I haven't been taking my medicine for the past two nights as well and I can already tell there's a difference. I don't think straight. I keep yawning. I'm having bad dreams again. I wish they would all just go away. I wish I had someone to just hold my hand and wipe my tears and tell me it would all be okay. I just want to be fucking okay. I want to be skinny enough for me. I want to be pretty enough for my mom. I want to forget him for my dad. I just want Sean back. I miss him. So much.

But it's time to face reality. I was broken and he doesn't want me. I've lost him. For good now. If he wanted to talk to me he would respond. If he loved me he would have forgiven me, right? If he loved me he would care. Why doesn't he care? Actually I know the reasons why he doesn't care. 1- I'm fat. 2- I'm a piece of shit. 3- I'm overprotective of myself. 4- I took advantage of him. 5- I treated him like shit. 6- I'm ugly. 7- I'm stupid. 

I was stupid to think it was true that he loved me back.

Food. I look at the food and I get sick. I can't even eat it because I literally get sick and naturally throw it up. It really sticks with you huh? Then with the whole Crystal thing I don't even care anymore. I could tell the whole fucking world now that I'm relapsing and that she's one of the main reasons. My stomach hurts just thinking about eating. I've gained weight. God, I've never weighed this much and it's scary. It's scary to know how fat I am. How ugly and pathetic I am.

I shouldn't even try anymore to fight the urge to not eat. I should just stop. Completely. No longer small portioned meals. I know how to take myself off of it, I know how to forcibly throw up, and I know how to lose the weight this way, but I can't. I promised I would keep trying. I promised I would get better and continue fighting the urge to give up. But it's hard. And I want to go back.

Why can't I be good enough? Why won't you love me? I just need you back. I'm trying so hard to forget how much I love you, but I can't. I can't just make these feelings go away. All you had to do was say, you didn't know about anything and that I should have told you and that you forgave me. You could have taken me back you know? I wanted you so badly to. But it's okay. You're still my best friend.

I know what Jay said is true. You're the source of my happiness. There's a pattern. Without you I am even more broken and what was enough no longer is. I don't know why it is that way but that's the con side to falling in love. You're shit without the other person and with them you're just this infinite source of light and love and happiness. It just is that way and that's why it sucks when you realize it too late.

I remember considering breaking up with you. It wasn't because of you. It was because I was so angry with myself for allowing myself to get this way and I remember clearly how Scarlet told me to wait it out. To be patient and to see how things went. Then the following morning I realized you meant so much to me and that I needed you more than ever but in order for you to know that, I had to tell you I was bad again. It wasn't fair of me to ask for you to just know what was going on with out any clues or hints. I acted unjustly and I'm sorry.

And then I saw you with another girl and my heart broke. But on the outside I acted like I was angry. Because acting angry is always better than showing how you actually feel. Then that class period I went into the restroom and I cried. I cried so hard I spent a longer time cleaning up my make up. Then when I came back Ryan said, "Why does it even matter? He's happy now and you broke up with him." Oh, but Ryan you're wrong. I didn't break up with him. I asked him for space. Just for a little bit. And I was going to ask for things to go back to normal and everything was going to be fine, but they aren't now. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly I just hurt myself and him and everyone I love. I'm sorry, Sean. I still love you and I doubt you're even reading this, but I hope you forgive me. I hope you fall in love with someone who will treat you right and who will love you the way I didn't. I'm sorry and I love you.

He texted me. And it reminded me of how much I've lost. But I love talking to him it reminded me of how happy he made me. He was so funny and sweet and just himself and I was reminded by every text how quickly I fell in love. Talking to him is an endless happiness. He makes me forget my pain and reminds me of all the little things in life. I love him. I will never stop loving him.

But then we stopped talking. And I got bad again. I have a new scar right under my stomach. It's long and narrow. It's not deep. It's superficial so it's not bad. It was mostly because my mom asked me how it was that I wasn't perfectly happy already. She expressed how upset she was that I wasn't happy and it made me feel like shit. Then she got upset when she saw I was talking to him.

Life is so shitty sometimes and today it wasn't. I'm glad it wasn't, because now I'm okay.

Last night was great. I went over to Haley's with Scarlet and I was truly happy. It was fantastic. I didn't have to worry about how much I was hurting and sure I was sad on the inside, but I was able to forget my pain for a while.

I felt normal. I was truly okay. I was happy. I didn't snap my rubber band. I didn't self harm. I didn't cry. I wasn't so worried or tired. It was just so great to know I had these two wonderful girls by myside!! Sure I thought about Sean more than half the night and I kept thinking about of all the things I would tell him if I could, but I didn't cry. I was too busy with Haley and Scarlet to allow my pain to consume me.

I love these girls. They're so wonderful. They trust me. They're there for me when I need to vent and give me advice even if I don't ask for it, because they know I need it. They're so beautiful. Both of them. It hurts me to know that they're just as broken as me. I hate seeing them so upset and I hate the freaks that screwed them over. If I could I would just show them how wonderful they are. If I could I would point out all of the good things about them just to let them know they are beautiful. Inside and out. Scarlet, you're my everything. I honestly would be dead right now if it weren't for you. I'm so glad I curled your hair during our first show together and I'm so glad we've gotten close since then. Haley, I love you girl. Oh my gosh I can't believe that we've gotten so close in such a short amount of time. I remember the first time you showed me your scars. I was so sad, because I didn't even know you were in such pain. I'm glad I was able to open up to both of you and I'm glad that you saw my wounds and didn't leave me when you had the chance. I will do anything for both of you. I promise I will be here for everything you need.

8 months. JUST KIDDING. I'M A SCREW UP AND SCREWED UP ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE. I cried. A lot. But then Scarlet, Haley, and Amy helped me feel better. I'm okay.

I just still can't believe I screwed up my relationship. I really want to blame it on my depression and anxiety, but then I realize wait it's my fault I'm so screwed up which means it's my fault that I screw up everything. I just hate the way I can never have something good because I always fuck up. I'm just a damn huge infinite fuck up. But I'm okay.

School sucked. I want to drop out. I don't even care anymore about college or law school or anything. I just don't want to do anything with my life. I just want to drop out and leave. But I'm not because I'm too much of a people pleaser and by doing that I would just be a huge fuck up again. So I think I'm going to stay in school and just fuck up my GPA. Whatever. I'm okay. Everything's fine.

He broke up with me officially but I am okay.

Overdosed. 150 mg over my usual dosage. I fainted, threw up, slept. Went back to class and acted as if nothing happened.

I'm sorry, loves. I let things get to me and it didn't help that I haven't been sleeping right and I was selfish enough to try to do it again. I love you so much and I'm glad you were there for me during and afterwards. 

   My nightmares have gotten worst. They're more vivid and they occur more often. They're scarier. They're no longer just of failure and being hurt, but they're also of self harm. They're made up of the comforting feeling I would feel while hurting myself. They're flashbacks to when I would burn myself. How they first started out as small friction burns and grew to become burning myself for minutes with an oven or straightener. They're of my first cuts and how small and superficial they were and how after a week I had carved words and shapes into my skin. They're of when I first began doing drugs and how that grew to a constant addiction. They're of when I threw myself around because I was too drugged up to function. They're of how I attempted suicide, from the overdoses to the cutting. Over and over again I do this and I feel the relief of pain and the small buzz of happiness I would get from it.

I'm drowning. Do I even have a reason to get better now? Without you I won't love nor will I be loved. You're my everything. What will I do without you? It hurt. A lot. I just saw you going up the stairs holding her hand, you were so happy. It looked as if you two we're so happy. You put your arm around her and now I'm dying. I'm dying because without you I truly have no one. What will I do now? I've just given you my love and poured out everything to you in the past year. You know so much, I'm relieved now. I'm relieved I didn't tell you my biggest secret, because that would have just made matters worst. I've loved you for almost a year and I waited months for you. I stuck with you through everything.
You we're my happiness.
Now you're just another source of my depression.
You're now just another reason to drown out the world.