I never said you were being immature, I have said I am. But for the right reasons in my perspective. I've blocked your number on my texting ap and kik and I unfollowed you on instagram. I'm trying to just let everything pass for a bit. What is it about Jamie that you need to talk to me about? I haven't talked to Jamie since before I left school, which was OVER a month ago. If you need to talk to me just comment, submit, ask.fm, tumblr, or just do the old fashioned thing, call. Even though I know you don't want to talk to me. But if its extremely important then you'd find a way, obviously it's not if the only thing you did was text me.
Homecoming was fantastic. I don't think I've ever had that much fun ever. I really like Jack. I had dinner with his family the following day and my mum actually allowed me to go over at three and leave at seven thirty. We fell asleep together for like the first two hours and watched Skins and Doctor Who together. Then this morning he brought me brownies that his sisters and I made before I left and sweet tea(: He asked me out last night and I really like that. It makes me happy to know this could be the beginning to something good.
you put me in your blind spot and now i'm gone, dad.
scar, can't you see that i jump whenever i hear your name? don't you see that you are my best friend, but i also have more than one. i have baley and haley and raquel. don't you understand you aren't the only one? i put you above EVERYONE and I'm frustrated that you don't see that. i'm irritated that you get jealous so easily. you have other best friends as well. you have fernando, alexa, rachel, olivia, regan, kat, kelly, and all these friends. i only have you four and i get jealous when you have all these plans with them. but i don't act like a bitch or tell you i'm mad at you. what makes you think it's okay to make me feel like shit because i have other friends too? you should be happy that i'm happy. you left me and i had Haley and Baley. no one else. you did not see me at my worst. i wasn't at your house when i tried to kill myself. i was at baleys. you weren't on the phone with me everynight to keep me from killing myself, haley was. you left when i needed you most, obviously i was going to get closer to the my best friends. obviously my friendship with them was going to grow stronger, so you have no right to be pissed at me and act like a bitch. i shouldn't have to worry about who my friends are around you. and the fact that you said jordan was too awkward for me and you still wanted to meet brandon. i wasn't asking for your permission to date him. i wasn't asking for your fucking blessing to marry him. i just wanted you to meet the guy i like. i don't need you to like my friends or the guy i like. hell, i hate fernando and kat and kelly and they're your closest friends and you don't care that i hate them. so why should i ask for your permission to like someone or be bestfriends with them?
oh that's right, i don't need to.
I have begun to make new friends and meet new people and actually enjoy being alive. I have come out of my shell and I am so happy to be more outgoing. Granted I'm not as outgoing as anyone else but I do actually talk in class now, even if it's only to the people around me. I love being able to have an enviorment with people who I can talk to about anything and everything to. I love my new school, because it has showed me that not everything is as bad as they were at my old school. It has showed me that things are never as bad as they seem and that there is no reason to be afraid of people, for they aren't all bad.
I think one of the best things here is that I have Jay's mom as my english teacher. Mrs. P is the sweetest person ever and I love talking to her about Jay and it makes me feel like he's still at the same school as me and that at any moment he's going to pop up out of no where and start tickling me and like I can see him whenever and it makes him being off at college a little more bearable. (Yes, that was a run on sentence but idgaf)
I made a new close friend, her names Raquel she's someone I know I can trust and we have both been through some of the same things, I am oh so happy to have met her. She is a blessing in my life and I'm glad God made our paths intersect.
I guess the point is that everything is good, and I love that.
scars are hideous not beautiful. I'm only a child. I don't know right from wrong. I do things impsively and I'm reckless. I'm not smart
Nothing compares to the despair that I feel right now and the utter lonelyness. I am trying my hardest not to relapse, but I don't think I can stop tonight.
I want to feel the cool blade pressing against my skin. I want to be able to feel the pain and match it to my confusion. The voices are telling me to listen to all the notes telling me to kill myself and end my life, but there's also that silver of hope telling me not to give in.
Hope is telling me that they're not worth it and that there's no reason for me to go back. I just feel so confused and lost. Like I've been doing so good with ignoring my sadness and just blacking out the nightmares but I feel like its just all crashing down at me like waves of the ocean. I'm being engulfed by my sadness and drowning in despair. I don't think you know this, but I've never really been a great swimmer.
