I think I'm being admitted into a psychiatric facility. I know a lot of you blame yourselves for the way I feel, please don't. If anything you've made things better for me. I love you all so much and you guys are possibly the only reasons why I am still alive. I don't know if I'm going to blog for a while, but if I don't that might be why.

I would like to ask for you guys to forgive me. I'm so sorry I'm so fucked up and I'm sorry that no matter how hard I try I can't be positive and happy. I'm so sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

Obviously this post is proof that the medicine didn't work. I guess I'll be receiving something stronger if this continues.

This not sleeping makes me feel like a freak. I am just as much tired as any other teenager my age if not more. I am just as much traumatized and depressed and scared. Scared. That's the only reason I can think of for not falling asleep. I am afraid to go to sleep, because of all the nightmares I have. Now they're hallucinations though. It's like I can't decide whether what I'm dreaming is real or not. They most likely aren't and I keep telling my self that, but the reassurance isn't working. At all.

I might not go to school tomorrow/today. It depends on weather or not I get any sleep what so ever. I don't know. We'll see.

   I got home and started on homework, when I truly realized how exhausted I was and I had a little crazy moment and decided that maybe I should take a nap.The nap didn't really work out since I woke up and I was having a panic attack. I told my mom for the first time about these moments and she gave me a lecture about how I'm a "very special young lacy. " and how "demons and angels fight over my body." Honestly, it scared the shit out of me. I haven't been a very religious person so this was just scary as hell. When I first told Celeste about these things she started asking me specific questions and made me take a questionnaire over living with relatives who are schizo. I was told I might even have a small case of schizophrenia and that's why my panic attacks and nervous break downs happen so often and that might be reason why I am affected so negatively by the simplest things. Not going into the specific symptoms but I do have a lot of them and it does run in my family so..... that wasn't a very comforting thought.

   Well, I received a higher dosage of sleeping medication today, I am now at 10mg, and this is supposed to really knock me out. Lets see how this goes. It was supposed to kick in about thirty minutes ago, but it obviously hasn't yet, so it's disappointing already.

   I think I'll be telling Celeste about my grandfather this week. I'm debating about it and I told myself I would open up more within a month, and well it's been two. I'm just extremely scared that she's going to tell my mom. Or my dad or anyone in my family really. I've only ever told three people about him and one told the school counselor who then called CPS on my mom, the other showed everyone I'm a worthless piece of shit, and Trevor has yet to disappoint. He did use it against me one time in a dispute, over my behavior and he not liking the way I was acting, but I quickly forgave him when I realized I had gone a bit off the rails.

   Sorry today has been a bit of an awkward rant, but whatever. 

I know it's late, but I overdosed.

Obviously it wasn't enough but I took too many sleeping pills.

  Well, my SA sayings have not helped my negative attitude what so ever. I am still as negative and I feel like tomorrow is going to be another disappointment  Celeste is going to be so upset when I tell her they only thing I succeeded in was self-harm and that's because my mom took my razor. I haven't been positive about anything really.

  I haven't done anything that is bad for me for a month now. Except for self-harm. Actually hurting myself physically. So, I guess I'm lying when I say I haven't done anything bad for me... Okay, well, i haven't had an illegal substance for just about a month. But the burns and scars are more occurring than ever. Either way I feel like this is a big deal. I haven't given into the drug side and I think that's a record.

I'm just so fucking exhausted. I can't sleep and when I do sleep I just have these nightmares and they're awful. I'm so tired I can't think straight, I feel so dead, and I'm just a bit confused.
I've been crying for the past two hours. Why? Well, I don't know. Or maybe I do know and I just don't want to talk about it. I'm not sure. I'm just really tired.

I want to sleep so badly.
But I'm also scared to. Damn life is so fucking troubling.

   My biggest fear is being abandoned. Even more so than betrayed. I feel like if I'm betrayed by someone I care deeply for, then at least I know I deserved it and I understand that they just don't care. Where as if I'm left alone then all I can do is think about all the reasons I gave them to leave me. Of all the reasons why I allowed them to grow away from me. Of how all of my flaws have pushed them away. I think of how I disappointed them so many times they were just fed up with being let down. I feel as if maybe I was a burden. Maybe my sarcasm and negativity got to them

   And then the reason I always seem to spend my time considering is that maybe they just didn't ever like me and became my friend because they pitied me.

   Celeste is the name of my therapist. Well, my new one. I've been seeing her for the past month and half, almost two, ever since my mom found my cuts and my dad my blade. Things are tense in my family and my mom asked me why I haven't been as open to her. She always expects me to be her best friend, since I've always considered her to be mine. I don't know why I've been really distant. I just have. And not just with my mom but with my sisters and my step-dad as well. I've been feeling like it's not worth talking to anyone right now. I don't know why I just think it has to do with my psychosis.

   Speaking of psychosis, when I told Celeste she told me my last therapist really didn't have the right to tell me I had it. She said I haven't shown too many serious symptoms to be diagnosed with it. I don't know what to think ever since she told me that. I just feel awkward. It's strange to think that my therapist was lying to me. Right now were currently working on self affirmations, belief, trust, and other points of my depression. The funniest thing occured in my last session.... Celeste told me i have many characteristics of a turtle. She asked me why I liked them so much and i just told her it was all because of a joke at first. This awkward turtle thing everyone told me i was. Then it just grew from there. She told me I was a turtle with the way I treated those who I learn to care for. I open up easily and I fall in love easily with my friends, but once I realize how much they care about me and how much they can hurt me I close up. I go back into my metaphorical shell and I just freeze there. Then it takes me a while to open back up again. 

   I never really thought of my obsession with turtles to be so symbolic, but it is what it is.