I'm sick.

I'm crazy.

I'm pathetic.

I'm pointless.

I'm useless.

I'm alone.

I'm stupid.

I'm fat.

I'm jealous.

Of those I love.

I'm jealous of their happiness.

I'm jealous of their strength.

I'm jealous of their smiles.

I'm jealous of their personalities.

I'm jealous of their strength.

I'm jealous of their wisdom.

I'm jealous.

Of the people I hate.

I'm jealous of the love everyone has for them.

I'm jealous of how intelligent they are.

I'm jealous of their optimism.

I'm jealous of their happiness.

I'm jealous of how much they have achieved.

I'm jealous of what and who they have.

I'm jealous of their looks.

I'm jealous of their personalities.

I'm jealous of their power.

I'm sad.

I'm angry.

I'm disappointed.

I'm tired.

I'm hearing voices.

I haven't been taking my medicine.

I haven't been blogging.

I haven't listened to my therapists, psychiatrists, and doctors.

I haven't forgiven him.

I keep remembering.

I remember everything so clearly.

I hear the voices so clearly.

I see them.

All of them.

My Dad

My Mom

My Family

Alie

Ethan

Sean

Crystal

Scarlet

Haley

I see them and everyone else I've hurt.

How I've hurt them playing in my mind every day. Every moment that I am breathing. Everything I do or say reminds me of that pain.

I feel their pain.

I feel their disapointment.

I don't want to feel it anymore.

I want to feel my pain.

I want to be perfect.

I want to be pretty like Alie and Crystal.

I want to be smart for Sean.

I want to be happy for my family.

I want to forget for Scarlet and Haley.

I want to be that person that everyone loves like Crystal, Alie, Haley, and Scarlet.

I want to be okay with who I am.

I want to sleep.

I don't want to hear the voices.

I don't want to see the people.

I don't want to be fat.

I don't want to have to take medicine in order to be happy and forget and go to sleep.

But this is who I am.

I'm not okay and I never will be.

I'm not ever going to be that girl, like Alie and Scarlet, that everyone loves no matter what has happened.

I'm not ever going to forget.

I'm not ever going to stop feeling so much pain.

I need to stop the pain.

There's only one way to do that though.

Only one way to end it all.

Then I can be like Alie and Crystal. I can be loved and in love. I can be happy. I won't feel everyone's pain, misery, despair, and disapointment. They'll be happy without me.

This is the best. For everyone.

I ended things. I couldn't keep playing with these games. He asked me what I wanted to do he took up all of my birthday with his words and attempts to get me back. But that's not what I want. I don't want to go back just to give him the chance to leave me again. I refuse to do that to myself. I'm no longer going to keep putting myself in such a vulnerable position. I'm done with the games. I've cut the strings and I'm no longer his puppet, yes it hurts. But I've cried so much I've lost hope. It hurts knowing that he had to wait and see me trying to get over him in order to do something. That's when I realized I can't just wait around forever. Look where that got me. It drove me to the point where I was broken and alone. I'm done now.

I'm ready to move on.

I'm trying to figure out who my horoscope was about. Maybe it was you? I'm not sure. But you're the one I love and I can't let go. The memories I have of you are cherished so much. I am in love with you. It seems like you never loved me. Those four times you claimed to have fallen in love with me were lies right? They were ways of just trying to get me back and keep me. Why did you do that? I've screwed up so many times and I just keep screwing up. I can't believe things between us are done.

Actually, I refuse to believe that we're done. We aren't. I promise I'll get you back.

They want to do a sleep study on me. This means I'd go back to my wonderland for a couple of nights with and without my medicine. They would see how my medicine works for me and how I am without it. I'm scared. I get pretty ugly without it. I've been up since three and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about him and I'm so tired. I don't want to be studied like a lab rat. Why did he do this to me? I don't understand. I'm his family. He shouldn't have hurt me. What did I do to make him hate me so much?! I'm tired. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of how my past is literally on my mind every moment of the day. If I hadn't gone back to my dad I would have never remembered. I would have gone on without it. I can't believe I went back. Why?! Why did I do that to myself? It's like I always allowed myself to be in that vulnerable position to allow him to hurt me. I don't get it. Was it the way I dressed? The way I acted? Was I rude? Or disrespectful? What did I do? What was it?! Please tell me. But you can't. Because you died. That's a relief. I always feel so guilty that I'm relieved you aren't here. I'm always guilty when my family praises you and I just want to shout at them and scream at them. Why didn't they notice?! Why didn't they stop him?! Family is supposed to be there for you, protect you, and love you. My family hasn't done anything for me or my sisters. I don't consider them family. Only my aunt has been there for me. I want to tell her. I do. But I'm scared... What am I suppose to say? What if she hates me? She's the only one who makes an effort to talk to my sisters and I. She's so loving and important. Everyone says we look a like. Everyone always asks us if I'm her sister or her daughter because we have so many resemblances. Our eyes, hair, skin. It's all the same. I love my aunt and that's why no matter how much I want to tell her, I'm not going to. No matter how bad I get, I won't allow myself to tell her. Ever. I won't destroy her view of him. I won't take away her happiness. I refuse to do that to someone.

I'm at 96.4 pounds. So I've lost ten pounds in the two weeks that I've been at school. Everything's going great. So I will actually be skinny for my junior year. c: I'm excited.

Because I'm the ex-girlfriend that's always going to be there for you, right? Because I'm in love with you and just the thought of you gives me butterflies. WOW. Are you trying to play me?

My family is full of lies. My whole childhood is a lie. I am a lie within a lie. I live a lie. I lie to myself. Why didn't anyone tell me the truth? I mean I always suspected it, but couldn't someone had just come out and told me, oh yeah your dads a druggie. I mean I could have handled it. I didn't have to find out through a lie. I should be told the truth!!! I deserve to know the truth don't I? After how much I'm trying I deserve to be told the truth. I don't understand anything at all. I don't want to have to be told everything as a default or through another source. Maybe if you were honest with me then I'd be honest with you.