I have many secrets to share. A lot has happen after our last post. I have both good and bad news. The bad news is I've been throwing up. I had gained so much weight I had a nervous break down and couldn't helped. I forced myself to vomit for thirty minutes straight and I've been doing it ever since. It's only been a week so it's not that bad. but it's happening again. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm upset but I also feel happy about it. I feel like I'm going to be happier doing this. I'll see a difference in my weight soon... I've also started cutting again. It's hard to hide them right now in this time, but I'm doing it. I'm hiding all of the scars and I'm trying to keep from going deep so they'll heal quickly. I haven't told anyone... now I'm tell you. The good news? I've been reading parts of the bible... only verses here and there, but that is more than nothing, right? I don't know how I feel about that either. It's weird, I'm scared to believe. I feel like I'll be more vulnerable and I'll be even more disappointed if I begin to believe again.... I'll update more often and I'm sorry I've been gone so much lately...

i'm not ready. i'm not ready. i'm not ready.

You were on my mind all day and all night. You are still all that I think about. It doesn't help that my friends live a couple streets down from the one person I love so much and left and now want to go back to. Leaving you has been the biggest regret of my life. I know that and I can't believe I said no to you. I love you so much. I can't even explain it. I miss my boy friend. I miss my best friend. I miss you so much.


And I'm close to going back. I just know you'll say no.

I have this long message typed out ready to be sent. An apology, asking for you back. But I can't. No one would be okay with me sending that message with me asking for you back, they would all hate me. My family and friends. I'm sacrificing my love for them. 

But I'm mostly sacrificing it because I know you don't care about me. I know you don't love me. and I'm okay with that now. I've accepted that you never did.